Bob is almost 50 years old and has been married a little over 20 years. He has four children between 20 and 12 years old. I have written before about Bob's situation with his wife in an ezine article: "To Stay or Not to Stay" and in my blog article "To Stay or to Leave." These two articles make different points for Bob to consider in making his decision whether to stay
Bob's wife abused him and their relationship by committing financial infidelity. She pawned her wedding and engagement rings, skimmed and hid money in secret accounts, forged his name and took title to their car in her name as collateral for a loan, hid and discarded their bank statements, covered up collection calls and court proceedings about her debts, and even wrote checks on their 18 year old son's bank account. Her deceptions with their money got their car repossessed and their home into pre-foreclosure proceedings. She falsely accused Bob of being the one who kited checks between their bank accounts that got him expelled by the bank. Renewal of his license at work was even put at risk.
Bob moved out previously for more than a year, lived with his mother, and filed for divorce only to learn he would be left with 1/3 of his income, which was not enough to rent a place in their neighborhood.
He returned to live with his wife, who continued to be untrustworthy and act abusively. Bob has moved again to his mother's house. His friends urge him to divorce his wife, but he cannot bring himself to do so. One of the reasons Bob stays married is that he grew up with divorced parents and does not want to put his children through the pain he experienced.
Given the abuse he has endured it is a common reaction to tell Bob he should leave and get a divorce. However, I don't think his decision is that easy. A divorce would separate his finances from his wife's, but it would not protect his children. Not being present in the home would provide his children less protection financially, although it is clear when he was present he could not fully protect his 18 year old son.
Having experienced a divorce myself more than 25 years ago, I know first hand some of the consequences Bob will experience if he chooses to divorce. Some of these he knew as a child, which is a different perspective from knowing them as a parent.
The holidays will not be the same. His children will feel pulled between his home and their mother's home. Just as the children feel pulled and often find it hard to enjoy Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, and New Year's, the parents also feel the loss of not having their children present for important occasions every year. This pull and tug over the holidays is widely recognized in divorced families.
What is less obvious but a significant loss is the absence of time just hanging out together between Bob and his children. As a divorced father his time with his children will be scheduled through visitations. Informal time together is not plentiful. Lost is the time of being in the same home and spending time just hanging out informally to talk, play a game, or watch a program. To make the division of time work in a divorce, everything becomes more planned by the calendar.
Competition often develops between ex-spouses over the children regarding the time each parent gets with them, the experiences each parent has with them, who is seen as the better parent, who gives the children better presents, whose family the children gravitate toward, i.e., their loyalties. Parents can subconsciously fall into competition as to which of them more effectively "captures" the children.
From the competition between ex-spouses, and the hurt and rejection of divorce, it is tempting for most parents to say critical things of their ex-partner to their children. These critical comments may just pop out of your mouth in a moment of anger or frustration with your ex-spouse. Critical comments like these are a no-no. Being critical or judgmental of your ex-partner to your child wounds your child. Your child is identified with both mom and dad. Any remark that is critical of a parent is experienced as a wound to the part of that child that is modeled after his/her mother or father. A goal in maturing after a divorce is to learn to keep criticisms like these to yourself.
Bob will most likely find he is still impacted by his wife's behavior with money because his children have been taught by their mother and her attitudes (just as they have by him and his attitudes) how to deal with money.
Bob's getting a divorce will pass on to his children the legacy of divorce. Our society reflects this legacy in the lack of trust for marriages to last, and in the reluctance of young adults to make marital commitments for fear they will not endure.
Bob's relationship with his in-laws will change. For him it may feel like a relief not to have to deal with his in-laws just like not having to live with his wife. There are, however, for most people some positive qualities and experiences they have shared with their in-laws which will be missed and lost. It is unusual to feel that your spouse's parents and siblings added nothing to your life and your relationships.
A less obvious loss that comes with divorce, and generally gains more recognition as divorced people age, is the loss of someone with whom who share your history. As a consequence of divorce you lose the ongoing relationship with the partner who shared many of the important experiences in your life like the births of your children, memories you share from raising your children, or trips and vacations you took together, for example.
Bob needs to take the time he needs to make his very important decision whether to divorce. He will be better prepared to make this decision by considering all of these consequences instead of just happening into them. Frequently, when feeling the intense pain that impels many couples to divorce, we do not take time to consider what will come to us in the future from deciding to divorce.
Bob knows the other side from twenty years of experience: what will come to him in the future from remaining in his marriage, which is very likely to continue on as he currently experiences it.
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